Thanksgiving dinner is more than a national and family ritual. It is a check-in of the family Board of Directors. Yes, every family has what is effectively a Board of stakeholders with emotional, physical, and, yes, financial interests in the well-being of older loved ones. So, while you may be passing the squash and cutting another piece of pie, the turkey talk about football and current events during the meal may only be part of what table mates are thinking.
Adult children may begin pondering questions they may not want to consider but should. Moreover, they are questions that should lead to purposeful, kind, and measured conversations with Mom and Dad after the holidays, not at the table. Here are seven of those conversations.
- How is their health, really? Looking over the turkey and past the potatoes, adult children will likely assess Mom and Dad’s health. If they have not seen each other for an extended period, they will likely walk away saying, “Wow! Did you see Mom? Is she okay?” or, “Dad is looking old.” FYI, yes, they are older, and so are you.
- Should Dad be driving? While age alone is not a predictor of safe driving, health conditions and the medications and treatments to treat them often affect driving ability. In the United States, driving is not only about getting from point A to B. It is a critical element of independence and freedom. Most Americans over 50 live in suburban or rural areas where transit does not serve or serves poorly.
- When the time comes, who is going to take care of them? AARP reports that nearly half of Americans expect to be caring for an older loved one. At some point, everyone will give care and need care. Thanksgiving, when families and close friends come together, the conversation in the car ride home may often turn to serious issues about who might care for parents when they eventually and predictably will need care.
- Can Mom and Dad stay in their home? Despite the grand presentation of the great meal and hopefully vibrant and warm family conversations, adult children are likely to scan Mom and Dad’s home and begin wondering if, as they age, they will be able to maintain the house. As they hear comments from Dad about sore knees or Mom’s lousy hip, they may look at the stairs and wonder, “How long can they stay here?”
- Do they have their financial house in order? Most adult children will wonder about their parent’s financial well-being. The question, “Are they going to be okay?” is partly a concern for their parents but also a reality check on a related question, “Will we have to help them out financially?”
- If something should happen to them, such as a stroke or heart attack, do we know what they would want us to do? Many issues, from how Mom and Dad look, emerging health conditions, to where they live, all give rise to a more existential question – “What do we do if something happens to them?” This includes their preferences for what type of care they would want, from whom, and do they have long-term care preferences? And, sadly for some, if they were unable to articulate their desires, how far should families and medical providers go to keep them alive?
- What would happen if…? It is not a question people like to think about, but it is the ultimate question many adult children think about or even share with their spouses and siblings, “What do we do when Mom and Dad pass away?” Have they planned their preferences for funeral arrangements and paying for them? Are legal considerations such as wills in order? Where are the important papers and passwords? Do they have a lawyer, financial advisor, or accountant we can trust and work with? How do we manage their property and all their stuff?
Preparing For The Conversations
Families are often separated by harried schedules and distance. Thanksgiving dinner often provides a rare chance to check in with family members, especially aging parents. Between passing the stuffing and enjoying the pumpkin pie, you might notice changes in Mom or Dad that raise questions about their health, safety, or future needs. But while these observations are important, Thanksgiving dinner is not the time to jump into heavy conversations, such as Dad’s ability to continue driving. No one should say, “Hey, Dad, pass the peas and hand over the car keys.”
Instead, thoughtful, loving conversations should happen after the holiday, giving you time to prepare and approach these topics with care. Here’s how to do it right:
It’s a conversation, not an ambush—plan for thoughtful, caring conversations in the right place and … [+]
Observe And Verify
Thanksgiving observations can be valuable, but jumping to conclusions can create unnecessary stress or tension. After the holiday, verify that your concerns are real. Observe if Mom’s memory slips have increased and there is an emerging pattern, not just forgetting the name of a distant cousin. If Dad’s driving is a concern, go for a drive with him so you have first-hand knowledge based upon actual behaviors, not simply concern about his accumulating birthdays or one dented fender. If concerns remain, seek a professional driving assessment often available at major hospitals or driving clinics.
Set the Stage: Low-Key and Private
Approach sensitive topics in a relaxed, private setting that makes the conversation feel comfortable and safe. This is a conversation, not an ambush. Suggest meeting for coffee or a walk, where the atmosphere is informal. A thoughtful location and calm tone helps to show your parents that you’re speaking out of respect, love, and concern, not criticism, f control, or alarm.
Clarify Roles: Who Leads, Who Supports
Not everyone in the family needs to be part of the conversation, and it’s often best if just one person initiates it. Whether it’s the eldest sibling or the person closest to Mom and Dad, choosing a “lead” helps ease into the talk. Others can play supportive roles, reinforcing the conversation without overwhelming or appearing to gang up on aging parents.
Focus on Choices, Not Ultimatums
Sensitive topics like driving, the capacity to stay in the family home, or financial planning require a gentle approach. Instead of saying, “You need to stop driving,” consider offering alternatives such as using rideshare apps, rides with family members, local transportation services, community resources, and home delivery services. If the concern is about being able to remain in the family home, discuss modifications, downsizing options, or visits to consider a variety of senior housing communities. This approach respects their independence and shows that you’re there to support, not control, their choices.
Recognize It’s an Ongoing Conversation
These are ongoing conversations. None will be one-and-done. Think of these topics as the beginning of a continuing dialogue that will evolve. Health, mobility, finances, and even family dynamics will change over time. What works now may not be the best choice in a year or several years later.