Landing in Boston after a morning long plane ride without so much as a bag of pretzels, I was craving a bagel. I know what many of you are thinking. Although I have been a Bostonian for nearly 40 years, I must admit that a ‘Boston bagel’ is much like buying a ‘New York lobster roll,’ filling, but not fulfilling.
As I wait for my poppy egg bagel with a healthy schmear of cream cheese, I look around the room. In the corner by the window is a table of older women. The cheerful chatter from their table fills the restaurant as they share each other’s company.
I look toward the back of the bagel shop and see three older men. Spaced far apart, one nursing his coffee, another with his head buried in a paperback, while another, taking advantage of the free WiFi, is deeply engaged on his laptop.
Nothing particularly unusual until you think of the contrast. In front, by a sunny window, women loudly celebrate their morning together. In back, three men sit alone. I think of the words of the 1964 musical film My Fair Lady, “why can’t a woman be more like a man?” Instead, I wonder why can’t men in their retirement years be more like women?
Before you indict this as bad social science generalizing about later life behavior of men and women from observations made in a bagel shop — consider the following.
While the pandemic did not help anyone’s social connections, men compared with women have been on a steeper downward slide for years. One survey indicates that between 1990 and 2021, the percentage of men reporting that they had “no close friends” increased 5X. Even what I would characterize as male party animals appear to be having their own challenges. The percentage of men reporting 10-plus friends has spiraled downward from 40% in 1990 to 15% in 2021. A 2021 study found that 98% of women have a best friend, compared with only 85% of men. But, before anyone mutters, ‘well, that doesn’t sound too bad,’ the study also indicates friendships between men are significantly less close than those found between women.
Alone does not necessarily mean loneliness. However, the probability of feeling the pain of loneliness is much higher without friends. The Centers for Disease Control reports that loneliness is not for the faint of heart. In fact, loneliness can be tied to physical and mental illness that includes heart disease, hypertension, depression, poor nutrition, dementia, increase hospitalizations, and other maladies.
This is not just a man’s problem. As Melanie Hamlett writes in Harpers, it often becomes a woman’s burden. While Hamlett speaks of the emotional drain men facing a friend deficit place on their female partners, the burden is more than emotional. As I have written previously on Forbes, men with few friends often disrupt the well laid plans women have made to maintain their own wellbeing. Without the structure of work and buddies, men often look to their wives, sisters, even adult daughters, for everything from “what’s for lunch?,” to “what are we doing today?
Are guys just bad at friendship in their later years? Not sure I am willing to go that far entirely.
Prior to the ‘freedom’ of retirement, most men had their days structured. Work was not just about a paycheck, it was also a social network. From the familiar faces that often share a smile in the parking lot, to coworkers on the line or in the conference room, work provides a daily dose of social contact, conversation, and connection.
Work is not the only place where connections happen, but those other places are becoming harder to find — especially for men. Not home, not work, but third places and spaces that facilitate chance collisions to meet other people. Consider the decline in participation in community service organizations, e.g., Rotary, VFWs, churches, temples, mosques, etc, the closing of golf clubs, and more — their decline have reduced the opportunities for everyone to address social deficits faced in life after work.
Retirement planning is seemingly synonymous with constructing and growing an investment portfolio to ensure financial security in older age. Not incorrect, but incomplete. What about our social wellbeing? Should we actively think about how to structure, build, and invest in our social portfolio long before retirement as part of our overall longevity planning?
Maintaining a rich and evergreen social portfolio of friends is critical to the wellbeing both men and women. There are many different types of friends. At the risk of being crass, there are different friends for different purposes. There are friends for fun, friends for learning, friends to get you off the couch, friends for support, friends for the sole purpose of, well, having friends, etc.
Comprehensive longevity planning is about living well in later life, not just financial planning. Without rich social connections, health, even coupled with ample wealth, might still result in unhappiness in older age. It appears that men, in particular, must work harder than most women to invest and build their social portfolio.
For example, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women, across all age groups, are more likely to engage in volunteer activities. I hear the thunder clap of men yelling, “I have been working all my life, I have not had time to volunteer!” I hear you. As an aside, many women who volunteer have worked and cared for family their entire life. However, part of retirement transition and longevity planning might include laying the groundwork for how, and with whom, you will structure your days long before the retirement bell strikes your last day of work on a Friday — otherwise Monday will be the first of many days when you ask ‘her’ what are we going to do today?
Men without friends is not just an American problem. Across the pond, the story of a 52-year old man and CEO of a marketing firm in the United Kingdom who reported in a LinkedIn video that he had no friends went viral. The story became emblematic of a larger problem many men were feeling, but not expressing. He finally decided to go to a MeetUp group at a local pub and meet new people. While he admitted that it was uncomfortable, and that the people he met were not ‘friends,’ at least not yet, heading out to where people are, provided many more possible opportunities. In his words, “I’m so glad I got off my backside, got a bit of guts and went and did something…”
Joining a group may add to your social portfolio. While national community service organizations may be on the decline, there are smaller local groups. They may take time to find, but identifying them before retirement is part of good longevity planning. One man in Scotland started a group of retirees that found connection in a common mission — rebuilding a WWI fighter plane. The project, and the relationships that followed, spanned over two decades.
It may not be necessary to build your own network from scratch, participating in established local associations may provide a start. For example, there are many Retired Mens Associations across the country. The MIT AgeLab has many members from one of these organizations that participate in its research. According to one retired mens group they promote “camaraderie and friendship; monthly programs and events that stimulate, educate and entertain; the chance to experience something new; and, participation in activities where members use their talents and interests to meet the needs of their communities.”
Unfortunately, women generally remain at great financial disadvantage in retirement. There is much work to be done to correct this that goes far beyond retirement planning and finance. Men, however, should not feel they have retirement covered just because they have coins to count. Men might want to audit their social portfolio. Not just for their own benefit, but for her’s too. Wellbeing in retirement needs a lot more than money, it may also require coffee, a good bagel, and a lively chat with friends by a sunny window.