Blended Families May Be At Greater Risk For Family Disputes
Sometimes money and the need to care for aging parents can bring out the worst in people. This can happen in blended families with aging parents. When the adult children are faced with issues over their aging parent in common, some siblings feel entitled to different treatment because they are not step-children. Sometimes all the step-siblings get along, but things can change when the elders’ needs increase, creating demands for new responsibilities.
We see many instances of these conflicts at AgingParents.com, where we advise families with age-related issues. Whose responsibility is it to care for them? Who will be most willing to pitch in? Who can contribute financially if the cost of care is an issue? There is a need for making agreements, as there are no rules in place to help decide who should do what for the elders.
The Uncertainties of Aging
No one suspects what may happen in the future. Some adult step-siblings have close relationships and some rarely have any contact with each other, except perhaps at holidays or birthdays. But, when the birth parent or step-parent ages and begins to decline, things can change dramatically. We see resentment. Some who are not the natural born of the elder get angry and feel imposed upon when the burdens of caregiving fall on them. They perceive unfairness and rebel against it. We hear comments like “She’s not MY mom, she’s YOUR mom, and you deal with it!” That approach is not successful. Conflict increases and can lead to escalation and total relationship destruction.
A Success Story
We can learn from the successful blended families coping with age-related issues. Here’s a real-life example:
Family of Eight
Dad, who had 3 kids from his first marriage, began to lose capacity to make good decisions. He had appointed his eldest daughter, (ED), to be in charge if he ever lost his independence. She was responsible and a good communicator. Mom, who had dementia, usually went along with whatever Dad told her to do. She also had 3 kids from her prior marriage. The kids had learned separately that neither parent was safe to drive any longer. Dad refused to part with the car and still drove around, terrifying everyone. Mom’s car was also still in the garage. She was very confused, but would drive if Dad told her to. ED knew that the best way to stop the danger was to get rid of both cars. Asking them to stop driving failed.
Siblings and Step-Siblings Were Not Close
ED knew that it would take all the siblings and step-siblings to carry out any plan to get both parents to stop driving. Fortunately, they all got along, but one side of the family was not especially close to the other. The three from each marriage lived in different cities from the others, at a distance, though in the same state. ED took a chance and called a zoom meeting. Everyone showed up.
The Clever Plan That Required Cooperation
We worked with ED to devise a strategy. ED did have complete legal authority in her documents to dispose of anything her Dad and step-Mom didn’t need. Her primary job was also to keep them safe. She suggested to all siblings that if 3 of them got the parents out of the house for a meal and some entertainment on a designated day, the other three could remove the cars at that time. They all agreed. This meant travel and getting lodging for the three who lived at a distance. Generously, they made those arrangements. They didn’t tell the parents they were coming, also as agreed by all.
The local siblings got the car keys without the parents knowing. They met the other siblings away from the parents’ home and gave them the keys. The local ones took the parents out for a long afternoon with lunch and sightseeing. While they were out, one of the other siblings drove one of the cars to their hotel parking lot and the other sibling did the same. A sibling followed each in another car to bring them back to the parents’ house. It worked smoothly.
The Outcome
The siblings had worked out where the cars would go and there was no dispute about that. Legal authority from ED helped them see that they were not doing anything wrong. They understood that doing nothing and exposing both impaired parents to risks of driving was the wrong choice. Either parent could get in accidents and harm others besides themselves. Their kids’ cooperative attitude served everyone well.
On the agreed upon day, after the parents returned to their home, the distant siblings appeared for a “surprise visit” and the parents were both so happy to see them. ED, doing excellent planning ahead, had also hired a caregiver. She had her come to the house that very evening, and announced to her parents that this was their new driver because it wasn’t safe to drive anymore. The Dad got annoyed at first but seemed to give up fighting over it with all the kids respectfully persuading him to accept having a driver. He had heard their pleas for months that he stop driving. He seemed a bit angry initially, but resigned. Mom just went along.
The Key To Success
The success of this transition came about because every adult child involved was willing to be generous, contributing time, and money for travel from those living at a distance. It took all six doing their part to make this work. Further, they accepted the leadership of one person, ED, whether related by birth or not. They understood that the parents’ safety was worth their involvement.
Takeaways
If you are in a family with step-siblings, it can be helpful to discuss what each would do in the event that one or both parents lost their independence and needed care. Look ahead. Even if it’s not one’s birth mother or father, it pays to cooperate in managing the elders’ aging. Everyone in a family must do their part to keep aging parents safe. Few people make it to advanced ages being perfectly competent for all activities. Things to watch for include elders’ losing capacity for making safe financial decisions, driving, and self care, among others.