Daughter of elderly mother (EM) called in a bit of a panic. She had just found out that her 80 year old mother, living alone in another state, had been giving thousands and thousands of dollars to a campaign. This was done with recurring donations she had unwittingly signed up for on her cell phone. EM had no idea of what she had given every day for months.
Her concerned daughter (CD) had looked at the statements from the financial advisors her mom had chosen without CD’s knowledge and was horrified. EM had funds, but not enough to take care of her for a lifetime if she kept giving it away. CD had to stop this cash drain.
What To Do?
CD had been appointed EM’s agent with power of attorney. Therefore, she had access to the questionable financial advisors EM was using to get the money for her relentless donations. She contacted them right away and demanded to know why they allowed all the transactions to take place, even though this looked very suspicious. The advisors knew that EM’s requests for distributions from her account were highly unusual and more than she normally needed for ordinary living expenses. She told the advisors to immediately stop this outflow of money. She said her mom had memory problems and was not making safe decisions about her money. They said they would talk to EM.
That was probably futile. EM’s memory was so poor, she would likely forget their conversation with her. The only way CD could stop the abuse was to take over EM’s entire financial affairs. She had the legal authority to do so but she feared her mother would revoke the legal document, the Durable Power of Attorney she had signed long ago. CD was right to be concerned, as that document is revocable.
Necessary Steps To Keep The Aging Parent Safer
First, CD had to find a lawyer in EM’s state to help her mother and herself. We at AgingParents.com assisted and connected her with an ethical and competent attorney. EM needed to update her estate planning documents anyway, and it served as a good excuse for CD to visit in person and get EM to that attorney. EM would not resign from her trust, which would have been ideal, but she did allow CD to become a co-trustee with her. Now CD could oversee all financial transactions and move the trust to a different advisory firm with better oversight of this elder.
Next, CD realized that part of her mother’s frequent contact with the advisors she was using was the need to connect with other people. She called them often. In other words, her mom was lonely sometimes. She needed more companionship. She needed more monitoring of her health, as she had not been getting regular checkups with her doctors. We advised her to get a care manager who would both look in on EM, assess her health needs and ensure that she saw doctors as needed. We found a care manager in EM’s city, and fortunately it was an RN manager. (Not all care managers are nurses). CD connected with the care manager and when she visited her mother, she met with and introduced the care manager to EM. It worked. EM liked her and seemed willing to stay engaged.
The Problem of Distance
CD lives several states away from her mother. She is an only child with a high pressure, full time job. She needed allies near her mom to ensure EM’s overall safety, her financial security and someone to monitor her health. Now she has them. EM is probably developing cognitive impairment, based on the signs her daughter saw from the excessive donations and her forgetfulness. CD is greatly relieved to know she has professionals in place to call upon, as she simply can’t leave her work and fly to visit her mother every time an urgent issue comes up with EM. As the cognitive issues get larger, EM can have the care manager get an evaluation by a doctor done and any other legal steps can then take place as needed.
The Takeaway
Let this daughter’s proactive thinking be an example of good problem solving to keep her elderly mother safe as she ages. If you live at a distance from an aging parent, it makes sense to develop relationships with professionals who can assist you, even if you live far away. It is not safe to assume that an 80 year old with memory problems will be fine without anyone to look in on her regularly.